I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
too bad you live with your parents still
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
