Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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