I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
