There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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