new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
