i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
