Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
