Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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