I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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