I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
