her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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