I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
