So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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