Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
