chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
