The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You ruined the universe
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
