Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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