my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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