My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
