You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
