I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
