he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
