Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
