he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
