I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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