i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
