so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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