It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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