cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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