my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
