I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
