hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
