I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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