Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
