I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
