Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
