so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
