And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
