Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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