Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
