During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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