i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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