Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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