Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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