He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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