the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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