BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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