i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
