I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
