I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
