I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
